Things coming to pass

As an infant, I had long hair and wore earrings. I was often mistaken for a girl. And I despised it. I despised my feminine voice and longed to possess a heavier tone. I always wanted to be an adult when I was a kid. But I was small and thought it would take forever for me to achieve puberty. But that day did indeed come. Testosterone spiked.My voice cracked. Hair sprouted on my hitherto tender cheeks and voila! 

In 2012, I joined the law school. I was due to graduate in 2017. When I joined the Law School, there was a President who had just occupied the Rashtrapati Bhavan and Uttar Pradesh had chosen its youngest Chief Minister. It would take a long long time before 2017 shall arrive-I told myself- 9 semesters later, 2017 stares me right in the face. 

All the things that we love, we do not love them enough till we either lose them or are on the verge of it. The fear of loss increases our love for something manifold. So I missed my childhood only after I became an adolescent. 

I am in my final year at the law school. With just one semester to go, my sense of attachment with my alma mater is strengthened with each passing hour. But one semester is all I can hold on to it. 

I spent the first year cribbing over the fact that despite my good rank in CLAT I failed to secure the law school I aimed for. But later the feeling faded away and all I felt for my college was affection. When my ninth semester was over and I packed my bags for vacations, I realised how much this departure pained me. 

Life is full of changes- both desirable and undesirable. We all know that there are many things which we wish to keep tucked away in the back of our minds and focus on the present. Leaving the college is one such thing. But no matter where we may try to bury those things, what is meant to arrive at the right time, will indeed arrive, things destined to occur shall inevitably come to pass. There is no remedy for it. 

Time has let me down. I am deeply disappointed in it. Why does it have to travel faster in moments of emotional upheavel? 2016 shouldn’t have ended this fast. 

I hadnt hoped 5 years, five long years would fleet in such haste.

I hadn’t hoped departure shall come so, so soon.

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Healing- Inside Out

The truth is that we all will die someday. But we remain so heavily entangled in our lives that we never spare a thought to death. Illness however comes to our aid in such times and remains a constant reminder of our ultimate goal in life- the grave.

Illness, I believe is also a great teacher. Illness which brings along with itself incapacity and frailty serves as a speed breaker in our lives which zoom in an uncontrolled fashion. As we lie down in pain and suffering,there is  always the philosopher in us who relishes the few moments of solitude for it is the infirmity which often helps us see things with greater clarity.

A longer convalescence only means that you can unleash your thoughts and ideas without being disturbed by day to day conundrums. Let the diligent reader not suspect that I am a sadist. I have indeed been through nasty bouts of illness myself ranging from chicken pox to the fatal Dengue but every time I recovered from a serious onslaught of illness I experienced not just physical healing but also great philosophical healing. Lets face it- The most powerful evil force that restricts our growth is Resistance. Resistance pulls us away from our instincts, allowing us to settle for mediocrity rather than fighting for the place we truly deserve. And the only element which can help us tear apart this resistance is a stiffened resolve.(See, The War of Art)

We mostly underestimate our worth and take ourselves lightly unless we have something to fight for. Illness is one such instance where men outdo themselves and grow into better human beings. Had it not been for the fatal Lung Cancer, Walter White would never have realised his leadership capabilities. (See, Breaking Bad)

I dont intend this article of mine to sound like a study in self help. I only wish to highlight the philosophical healing that occurs in the period of illness. Illness is indeed a great teacher. Convalescence gives breaks our ego and the myth of physical strength.

When I started writing this piece, I had thrown up twice, made multiple visits to the loo and lay feebly on my bed slowly sipping down salts. My stomach ached and my body did not support physical activity and only in such decrepit moments of weakness when physical activity is completely shut, mental activity takes primacy.

I had expected a longer period of illness, but by the next morning, I was on my feet. My work called upon me again and the philosophical and poetic self of mine took a back seat.

On my bed in illness, I had written a major part of this article. For almost 10 days after that I couldn’t complete it untill today.

I hope illness keeps attacking me again and again. I hope I have a longer convalescence only to recover again.